This poem represents The Before, as in before the author enrolled in South Burlington High's Big Picture School. The author, Cecilia Giordano, a senior, read this poem at the Rowland Foundation's annual Education Conference held Nov. 6. Ceal was one of two students to speak as part of the keynote of Dennis Littky who developed Big Picture schools around the world. In her keynote, Ceal, an intern with YWP last year, said she is now far more confident and directed and has a clear vision for her future.
The Escapist
By Cecilia Marie Giordano
Grade 12, Big Picture School, South Burlington, VT
In life -
I was never really sure whether I wanted in or just out,
It was like my thoughts kept getting caught somewhere between my mind and my mouth,
Like I could never say the words the way I wanted them to sound
To your ears, to her ears, to his,
And because of that it inhibited my ability to properly live
To make myself properly understood
To grow and to give,
So I stayed silent, which led to violence,
And wasted time.
From elbow to wrist I cut and I slit,
Trying to remove the parts of myself I loathed,
Covered it up with clothes,
And when I went home I was a latchkey,
One parent working one completely absentee,
So it never made a difference to me,
Whether it was alcohol or weed,
Whether it was self-harm or sleep,
If I could find an escape, it was the only thing I’d need.
In school -
I stepped into a classroom and was suicidal at best,
Shrank in front of any test,
That could yet again tell me I was a failure,
There was no recognition of worth,
No presence of thirst for knowledge.
Villainized educators in the system,
Patronizing their thoughts and their wisdom,
I sought help but to me,
There was only a slim chance that I’d succeed,
Attempted suicide twice, couldn’t even do that right,
I thought,
Balancing the idea that these people, these teachers,
Would never know me,
How I could stand in front of a crowd and still feel lonely.
I always left the door slightly ajar,
After entering class,
So that if my pain got led too far,
I could always slip out through the cracks,
Just like I always had in education.
