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Lorber: Social Media Experiment

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I’m overwhelmed. It’s too much to balance work, family life, sleeping, and socializing, with the time-sucking demands of an ever-increasing social media presence. I can’t do it all, and I shouldn’t do it all. Enough, I say!

It's time to get back to basics. That's why for the next five years, I’ve decided to live my entire life on Facebook, LinkedIn, FourSquare, FiveSquare, SixSquare, SevenSquare, and Shplitter, which is a Yiddish version of Twitter. Goodbye to the distraction of humanity. It’s time to up my Klout score – that’s Klout, with a K.

Therefore, from here on out, I’m going to have to say no to your upcoming wedding, Bat-or-Bar Mitzvah, party, or fun-filled funeral. I'll be hard at work, hunched over my computer, doing what God intended me to do.

I vow to comment on each and every photo of a ferret from my dear FB friends whom I've never met. I will start "liking" more fabricated posts, including the one from the 103-year-old, blind great-grandmother who says the most unforgettable thing to a man of a different race whom she just met at a grocery store when buying kale. And I will let everyone know what food I’m eating when I’m eating it, where I’m eating it, and with photos and videos of each lobster tail, locally sourced chicken thigh, and gluten-free delicacy. Pinterest will legally adopt me.

I’ll work hard on cultivating a strong following of connections and eyeballs through the trusted internet community, by buying lists of email addresses from reputable spamming companies and trolling services. I will add hearts, smiley faces, and intricate designs to my posts that clearly demonstrate the hours I have spent on social e-stimulation.

Plus, I’ll give back to the community by teaching webinars to at-risk populations about KFOs, LTRMs, QPTDs, and other acronyms that I make up. Furthermore, I will tweet and retweet must-read articles with intriguing and misleading titles about leadership, innovation, and heroism, none of which I will have read.

It won’t be easy. I’ll have to spend a lot of time alone, and I’ll need to increase my carpal-tunnel medication. But the alternative is daunting, and I refuse to die with an inbox filled with unread email messages, especially those marked urgent.

Of course, I will have to occasionally leave my house for work, grocery shopping, and other distractions to my e-life. But please honor my focus. If you happen to see me on the outside, by all means, don't say hi. Instead, just text me (while driving of course).